Have a Nice Day!!!!!!

Today I decided to stroll on the Gold Coast beach. This is a piece of artificial beach created some years ago when the Gold Coast apartments and hotel complex was constructed. It is a welcome addition to the coast line around Hong Kong, which already has some excellent beaches and rocky coves and outcrops interspersed between scruffy industrialised premises and dock yards which are typically neglected and possibly contributing to a toxic coastline.

But on this hot sunny Sunday I don't want to be pessimistic. So I joined the crowds who don't want to fight in the shopping malls and markets, and instead prefer the freedom of the great outdoors at the Gold Coast where you can soak up as many ultra violet rays as you dare and have a great time having fun with the family. What better way to spend a Sunday afternoon knowing you are free from inhibitions and free from work and free from the stresses and strains of living six people to room in a dark apartment on the thirty ninth floor in Mong Kok. Free that is until you arrive at the Gold Coast beach.

This is the first sign inviting you to park your car, if you have one, in the right place.

The Gold Coast beach is owned by the Sino Corporation and due to either the health and safety regulations imposed by the local Hong Kong authorities, a sense of corporate responsibility, or Central Government wanting to make sure every knows what the score is; there is a collection of simple rules strictly imposed on to the public.

Having successfully found a parking spot you stroll expectantly down to the beach entrance. If you arrived by bike you are about to encounter your first problem. If you have a dog and it is couped up all day on the thirty ninth floor and is desperate for a walk, you also have a problem. If you are on your bike and have the dog as well, there are two problems and one solution; go home!

However, should you be without bike and dog there is a helpful plan of the beach area on the next notice board.

But please note: No Smoking. That is generally a good thing and pretty difficult to do when you are surfing, water skiing or diving, but you not allowed to do these things anyway, so that saves you the bother. Actually if you do go in the water beware of jelly fish and submerged rocks. Even if you don't want to go into the water and fancy a spot of fishing, you are advised to think again and leave the tackle at home. Finally just to remind you again in case you didn't see the one metre by three metre poster when you first arrived, that you cannot bring the dog, ride your bike and whilst we about it, don't even think about a skateboard. In addition you are told not to feed pigeons or wild birds because this causes dirtiness to public areas. But if a bird accidentally craps on you then you are asked to wash your hands. Presumably this is common sense to avoid bird flu. Whilst we are about it, yes there are signs posted about pig flu as well. Incidentally if you want to complain about these excessive rules you are invited to telephone the hot line. I can only imagine the reply you will get from the frumpy old Chinese 'jobs worth' at the other end.

Well ok, so far so good. I don't want to surf and all those things. I haven't got a bike or a dog, I don't smoke and the birds seem to fly away from me. I don't want to swim so the jelly fish will stay hungry.

The next notice board is actually by the sand;

From top left anti clockwise; no digging for clams. Keep away from the shark prevention net and swim within the booms. Toilet and shower directions to the left, and, finally, just in case you brought along some activities you are reminded; no kite flying, no kicking of balls (presumably football), no playing with remote cars or boats. Just a gentle reminder in case you have forgotten - no dogs but now it is extended to no animals at all, presumably to prevent the spread of pig flu! No fishing, and 'we don't care how many times we have to tell you' but there are no bikes and no skateboards. Get the message? Understand? NO? Really? Well read on Mr Numpty and take note. AGAIN!

We said NO DOGS! NO BIKES! NO SKATEBOARDS! Understand?

We are good people who like you to have a good time, but listen up:

NO LYING ON BENCHES, DON'T DRY WET CLOTHES, DON'T DROP LITTER AND IF YOU DO SEE ANY PLANTS TRYING TO SURVIVE IN THE STERILE ENVIRONMENT WE HAVE LOVING CREATED AND STRIVE TO RETAIN - LEAVE THEM ALONE.

One final message to the exasperated - DON'T SPIT even in disgust!

I am getting exasperated. All I want to do is walk on the beach but I am feeling intimidated especially as there are security patrol guards and life guards watching every move of every body. They are ready to pounce at the slightest indiscretion. But that isn't enough for the Sino Corporation; they have a public address system through which a waxy American female voice welcomes 'our valued guests to the Gold Coast beach', but then goes on to repeat the warning messages for the benefit of those people who can't read. Thoughtful!

Luckily they have directions to the toilet but just in case you think otherwise here are the warnings:

I am happy they thought of these eventualities and possibilities.

Still undaunted and perhaps against my rebellious nature (but nonetheless feeling wound up and starting to resort to venting my anti establishment feelings) I ran the gauntlet and walked along the pathway to the far end of the beach. I found more thoughtful advice;

I was now drained and defeated. This was not the simple walk of freedom I had set out to enjoy. I was trapped by unfounded corporate responsibility which was hell bent in denying me of my rights to go out and enjoy a good walk. What is there left to do on the Gold Coast beach?

Enjoy the sun, of course. But don't stay out too long or you will get dehydrated, your skin will shrivel and you get skin cancer. 'Go home and write a blog', the voice in my head started shout at me. Good idea.