It's now a little over twelve months since my heart by-pass operation. Slowly I am looking towards the future rather than looking backwards to the past. It's no use saying 'and what might have been', because what might have been, in this case, was an abrupt end. An end like an unfinished symphony. An end of without warning. An end too soon.
It's a long story, but it only lasted a short time. One minute there is no problem and I am enjoying the pleasurable things in the little world I have made for myself. Then literally in the next minute everything is turned upside and shaken up in a maelstrom of uncertainty leaving me with a clichéd notion of a life changing experience, an experience that is not welcome.
Might sound dramatic, but from running a five kilometre road race to ending up in A&E and not allowed to move for 48 hours, then being told I have a 90% blockage in one artery and significant blockages in two others, which cannot be treated through medication, cannot be dealt with by stents and only by-pass surgery will give me any chance of avoiding a serious heart attack. Gulp. Well how dramatic does it have to be?
I was totally (totally) unprepared for this. I had no idea there was a problem until I experienced an unusual heart rhythm.
In the end I had five arteries by-passed. I have heard of three and four, but five! Why me? My doctors say I was lucky. I don't feel all that re-assured, but I should be.
The plumbing around my heart is presumably healed satisfactorily. I have not had any internal pain or scary moments when 'things don't feel right'. The healing of my chest wounds has taken some time and I still get the occasional twinge from unhealed nerve endings.
The real problem is inside my head.
Doctors can check the plumbing, people can associate with the pain of opening up the chest and sticking it back together with a staple gun, but only the individual can feel the psychological pain. The nagging doubt, the need for re-assurance, the craving for an injection of confidence to make the monkey climb down from my back.
Physically I am jogging, cycling and enjoying exercise about four times a week, but I am in a constant battle with my mind. My internal control centre is monitoring every heart beat, checking for unusual pain, observing heart rate, training zones and fitness. All the time wondering if, when and where I will have another 'silent heart attack'.
My emotions are very close to surface. For reasons I cannot explain I become overwhelmed when I talk about the operation. I cannot let go of the trauma, because trauma it is. I don't think it is like the post traumatic stress disorder of fighting in a war, but it is post traumatic stress and it is silent, hidden and lies in wait to catch me off guard. It needs to come out so I can move on with a greater confidence and assurance. It needs to come out so I don't have emotional moments when talking with people who have genuine concern. It needs to come out so I can forgive the handful of friends who have not found their own strength to offer support when I need it most.
I have touched the cornerstone of my life and realised it could have been over much too soon.
I need to move on.
I am in Thailand for the first time in sixteen months. Life in Asia and Thamuang goes on. My Life Goes On - same same!
It's a long story, but it only lasted a short time. One minute there is no problem and I am enjoying the pleasurable things in the little world I have made for myself. Then literally in the next minute everything is turned upside and shaken up in a maelstrom of uncertainty leaving me with a clichéd notion of a life changing experience, an experience that is not welcome.
Might sound dramatic, but from running a five kilometre road race to ending up in A&E and not allowed to move for 48 hours, then being told I have a 90% blockage in one artery and significant blockages in two others, which cannot be treated through medication, cannot be dealt with by stents and only by-pass surgery will give me any chance of avoiding a serious heart attack. Gulp. Well how dramatic does it have to be?
I was totally (totally) unprepared for this. I had no idea there was a problem until I experienced an unusual heart rhythm.
In the end I had five arteries by-passed. I have heard of three and four, but five! Why me? My doctors say I was lucky. I don't feel all that re-assured, but I should be.
The plumbing around my heart is presumably healed satisfactorily. I have not had any internal pain or scary moments when 'things don't feel right'. The healing of my chest wounds has taken some time and I still get the occasional twinge from unhealed nerve endings.
The real problem is inside my head.
Doctors can check the plumbing, people can associate with the pain of opening up the chest and sticking it back together with a staple gun, but only the individual can feel the psychological pain. The nagging doubt, the need for re-assurance, the craving for an injection of confidence to make the monkey climb down from my back.
Physically I am jogging, cycling and enjoying exercise about four times a week, but I am in a constant battle with my mind. My internal control centre is monitoring every heart beat, checking for unusual pain, observing heart rate, training zones and fitness. All the time wondering if, when and where I will have another 'silent heart attack'.
My emotions are very close to surface. For reasons I cannot explain I become overwhelmed when I talk about the operation. I cannot let go of the trauma, because trauma it is. I don't think it is like the post traumatic stress disorder of fighting in a war, but it is post traumatic stress and it is silent, hidden and lies in wait to catch me off guard. It needs to come out so I can move on with a greater confidence and assurance. It needs to come out so I don't have emotional moments when talking with people who have genuine concern. It needs to come out so I can forgive the handful of friends who have not found their own strength to offer support when I need it most.
I have touched the cornerstone of my life and realised it could have been over much too soon.
I need to move on.
I am in Thailand for the first time in sixteen months. Life in Asia and Thamuang goes on. My Life Goes On - same same!
No comments:
Post a Comment