Driving Like 'An Idiot Abroad'

Overall we travelled over 5,000 kilometres, but I couldn't get used to driving Thailand style.  At times I felt like I was whinging a la Karl Pilkington on the excellent TV series 'An Idiot Abroad', but I did feel I was in an unreal situation and I had definitely applied my Englishness to the situation.
Top Ten Whinges and bum clenching moments:

1. Driving on a super wide road with two lanes in each direction and a generous 'hard shoulder' for motorbikes.  The road markings are clear with a wide hatched area marking the centre of the road.  I am in the inside lane, a motorbike coming towards me on the hard shoulder, one car overtaking on the outside lane and a car overtaking that one travelling on the wrong side of the road, with a car coming head on towards it.  Emergency braking keeping in the inside lane to allow cars to avoid head on smash.
2. Travelling in the inside lane and a truck turning in to the lane from a side road.  Thai traffic law allows you turn left if there is no oncoming traffic, but clearly this truck had another interpretation.  Rapid emergency braking in a straight line to avoid collision.
3. Tailgating on bendy roads.
4. Lane weaving - overtaking, undertaking, overtaking, undertaking.
5. Driving on a wide dual carriage which is narrowing into one lane.  Pick up truck coming in opposite direction cannot wait for the road to widen, pulls over into my narrowing lanes to overtake another car.  Rapid avoidance to avoid head on collision.
6. Double lines in the middle of the road indicating a bend and (usually) do not overtake or drift over the lines, because of danger of cars approaching in the opposite direction.  Thai drivers ignore this in a game of 'death wish', usually with me having to taking avoiding action.
7. In general the roads are in good condition, but there are areas of road churning up by overloaded trucks and pot holes, sometimes deep and wide, lying in wait to test the suspension and shock absorbers to their limits.
8. Urban motorbikers weaving between cars in heavy traffic.  Great on UTube; hairy moments for an idiot abroad.
9. Rural motorbikers riding without tail lights at night.
10. Endless police check points for no apparent reason.

Having said that, there are some great points:

1. Parking is free everywhere
2. Petrol is about 37 bhat per litre; which is £0.75 per litre.  (UK is £1.35 per litre)
3. Petrol attendants to fill up the tank
4. Can turn left on a red traffic light IF the road is clear.
5. There is a lack of road rage because Thai people are non aggressive and the windows in every car are heavily tinted so you cannot see what gestures are coming your way, and the air conditioning keeps people cool

But best of all was the sat nav in my Nokia Lumia 825.  This simple easy to use app saved us from getting lost several times.

Driving south to Phuket

After leaving the Bangkok maelstrom we started to move south onto relatively calmer highways.  I say calmer, but to me I still felt out of my depth.  I had a natural urge to defend what I thought was my vehicular space and to make it difficult for the mad drivers who tried to undertake and cut in front, or overtake when an overloaded lorry was hurtling towards us at a closing speed of a 100 miles an hour.  It is of course my imported, and ill founded road sense that is the problem.  I gradually realised that by acting differently I was the issue; therefore if I behaved like other drivers, that is behave badly, I will blend in, not be a problem and hence forth enjoy the experience instead of trying to fight it. To some extent this strategy works, and it does at least while away the miles.
Our first night's stop was at the holiday resort of Hua Hin.  It is a well liked resort for thousands of Bangkok's citizens who make their holiday homes here or come away for the weekend or day trip.  It lives up to its reputation and is a very pleasing place, with fresh sea air overlooking the Gulf of Thailand - it is a sun rise location.  August is the start of the low season in Thailand due to the monsoon.  This was apparent in relatively few tourists frequenting an over-abundance of bars, restaurants and hotel amenities.
Next day, after an early start, we had a long drive to Ranong.  Following the Route 4 for tens of miles, there is suddenly a choice of route to Phuket at a town called Chumphon; the road divides by going due west to the Andaman coast (sun set country) or continues south towards Surat Thani (sun rise country).  They meet up again at the the Sarasin bridge linking Phuket island to the mainland.  Ranong is officially the wettest town in Thailand with annual rainfall in excess of 650cm, which is 255 inches in old money!  It is a border town with Myanmar (Burma) and is very close to the Andaman Sea.  At this point Thailand is a very narrow strip of land only 27 miles from coast to coast.  This is what my geography teacher described as an 'isthmus'.
Three interesting things about Ranong:

1. The Japanese landed here on 8 December 1941 (the day before Pearl Harbour) and thus started the Pacific War.
2. It is a site for a proposed canal linking the Andaman sea with the Gulf of Thailand - but whether this will take place is another story.
3. The isthmus marks the boundary between two sections of the central cordillera, the mountain chain which runs from Tibet through all of the Malay peninsula. (I just find a link with Tibet from so far south in Thailand is fascinating).

The mountain road from Chumphon was bendy and up and down hill.  Heavy violent showers stopped suddenly with dazzling outbreaks of sunshine.  The road is not fast and in parts is being re-built but it is scenic and made a change from the flat road leading out of Hua Hin.

We found a hotel called the Tinidee, which in Thai means 'a nice place'.  We were offered the last room of the 138 bedrooms.  The rest were occupied by Thai army officers and a university trip. 

Next day we set off on the final leg to Phuket.  The road runs very close to the Andaman coast and was the scene of devastation in the 2004 Tsunami.  Along the way we stopped at a village and wandered down to the beach. With video scenes etched in the memory of the tsunami wave breaking over land, it did not take any imagination to visualise the terror and destruction it must have created. It is almost 10 years since the disaster but the frequent road signs warning of the danger and showing the escape routes are reminders of what happened, and could happen again.

The road to Phuket gradually became busier probably because it isn't all that wide, there are more resorts and villages, and it was the weekend. Add to this that we had been on the road for three days and becoming tired of driving; we were very keen to find a nice hotel and relax for a few days.

Enter Phuket.  There was some excitement as we crossed the Sarasin bridge and passed through the token checkpoint manned by less than enthusiastic policemen.  But excitement soon changed as we drove down the 402.  I thought we had burst into a time bubble and playing in a virtual reality X Box computer game.  The main culprits are the van drivers - hell bent on driving from A to B as if they chasing Lewis Hamilton on a Sunday afternoon in Monza.  I suppose what surprised me most was the high visibility commercialisation (is that a word?)  Given that the road sign-age is very similar to that found in the USA, plus the huge advertising hoardings vying for attention to visit this place and that place, I was, for a moment at least, thinking I was in Las Vegas.
We were trying to get to Surin and missed the turning (American signage to blame? My excuse) and ended up in down town Patong.  The road is steep and very twisty with hairpins not dis-similar to Alp d'Huez (yes really).  It was here I cut my teeth as a driver in Thailand.  It was like a boy becoming a man. With 95% of the traffic straining to take an advantage to go as fast as possible on the wrong side of the line which I would consider safe, I decided you cannot dictate how to drive, you just have to join them.  Khamma thought she was on a roller coaster, I was tired and pushing my luck, but after an exciting (Khamma said scarry) five or ten minutes, we made it and found the road to Surin.
Exhausted, crabby and bad tempered we eventually found a hotel in Surin Bay.
After a shower and settling in we had a lovely meal overlooking the beach, and Phuket's charm began its magic.