Driving Like 'An Idiot Abroad'

Overall we travelled over 5,000 kilometres, but I couldn't get used to driving Thailand style.  At times I felt like I was whinging a la Karl Pilkington on the excellent TV series 'An Idiot Abroad', but I did feel I was in an unreal situation and I had definitely applied my Englishness to the situation.
Top Ten Whinges and bum clenching moments:

1. Driving on a super wide road with two lanes in each direction and a generous 'hard shoulder' for motorbikes.  The road markings are clear with a wide hatched area marking the centre of the road.  I am in the inside lane, a motorbike coming towards me on the hard shoulder, one car overtaking on the outside lane and a car overtaking that one travelling on the wrong side of the road, with a car coming head on towards it.  Emergency braking keeping in the inside lane to allow cars to avoid head on smash.
2. Travelling in the inside lane and a truck turning in to the lane from a side road.  Thai traffic law allows you turn left if there is no oncoming traffic, but clearly this truck had another interpretation.  Rapid emergency braking in a straight line to avoid collision.
3. Tailgating on bendy roads.
4. Lane weaving - overtaking, undertaking, overtaking, undertaking.
5. Driving on a wide dual carriage which is narrowing into one lane.  Pick up truck coming in opposite direction cannot wait for the road to widen, pulls over into my narrowing lanes to overtake another car.  Rapid avoidance to avoid head on collision.
6. Double lines in the middle of the road indicating a bend and (usually) do not overtake or drift over the lines, because of danger of cars approaching in the opposite direction.  Thai drivers ignore this in a game of 'death wish', usually with me having to taking avoiding action.
7. In general the roads are in good condition, but there are areas of road churning up by overloaded trucks and pot holes, sometimes deep and wide, lying in wait to test the suspension and shock absorbers to their limits.
8. Urban motorbikers weaving between cars in heavy traffic.  Great on UTube; hairy moments for an idiot abroad.
9. Rural motorbikers riding without tail lights at night.
10. Endless police check points for no apparent reason.

Having said that, there are some great points:

1. Parking is free everywhere
2. Petrol is about 37 bhat per litre; which is £0.75 per litre.  (UK is £1.35 per litre)
3. Petrol attendants to fill up the tank
4. Can turn left on a red traffic light IF the road is clear.
5. There is a lack of road rage because Thai people are non aggressive and the windows in every car are heavily tinted so you cannot see what gestures are coming your way, and the air conditioning keeps people cool

But best of all was the sat nav in my Nokia Lumia 825.  This simple easy to use app saved us from getting lost several times.

Driving in Thailand

I have driven in many out of the way places - across the USA on Route 66, East Canada, South Africa, Namibia, Botswana and even Zimbabwe.  But it was with some trepidation that I decided to hire a car for my latest trip to Thailand.  I can recommend Sixt at Bangkok airport - excellent price, no fuss service and a reasonable car.
I was pleased that the sat nav in my new Nokia 825 works just as well as it does in England, and the lady inside the device speaks English as opposed to Thai!!!
Everything was set up and all I wanted to do was to avoid the centre of Bangkok as we drove south to Phuket.  Alas, about 5km out of the airport, the sat nav took me off the motorway and into the maelstrom that is Bangkok on a Thursday afternoon.  There was no way I could find my way back onto the motorway and my only choice was to follow the instructions uttered from the lady in the computer.
There doesn't appear to be many rules of the road.  OK they drive on the left, which is a great bonus for a Brit abroad.  But there the similarities end; motorcycles weaving in and out from nearside and offside, front and back.  The odd car driving towards you on the wrong side of the road.  The sudden stops, lack of direction indication and tailgating.  It's a recipe for an accident and I was well outside my comfort zone.  Even the sat nav sometimes said go left when it meant straight ahead, because there was no left down which to turn.
On one occasion I had to turn left because I could not switch back into the straight ahead lane.  The sat nave recovery was good, but we ended up in a dodgy back street before returning to the main road.  The next time this happened I was not going to be foiled.  After an hour or so, I started to fight back.  It seems like aggression is a great leveller whist driving anywhere in Thailand.  I worked out that nobody wants to damage their bike or car, so accidents will only happen if there is a sudden change of driving habit.  Being timid does not work!
The road often diverged into three of four lanes and I tended to keep left where I felt I stood a better chance.  Suddenly the left lane was turning left and the 'turn left' arrow was followed by those cones stuck into the cats eyes and they were approaching very quickly.  With the reactions of Lewis Hamilton I glanced in the offside mirror and there was a gap just enough for me to switch lanes.  We carried on about 100 metres when a policeman on an ageing motorbike appeared at my side and waved me in.
He looked surprised when he saw a farang, but that did not stop him fining me 500 bhat (10GBP) for the offence.  Luckily Khamma spoke up and asked him why he was charging 500 bhat instead of the 'standard' 400 bhat.  He asked her how she knew such 'fine' (pun intended) detail and she replied that her cousin was also a cop.  That said he took my licence and 400 bhat, but I did not receive a ticket.  I can only assume he pocketed the money, or am I being cynical?
Two hours later we emerged on the other side of the city.  It took about an hour longer than it should, but it was an experience - not to be repeated.
Whilst driving along Khamma reminded me that if there was an accident and even if it was not my fault, I would be expected to pay damages for the bike or car and any hospital treatment for the victim.  How does that work?  Somebody throws themselves at the car and I have to pay (?) This is Thailand.  I keep reminding myself to drive safe.